Telling our stories - A reflection by Paul Newbery for our Open Table Liverpool community
Our Open Table community which welcomes and affirms people who are:
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trans, Queer or Questioning, Intersex, & Asexual (LGBTQIA)
+ our families, friends and all our allies. Meets on the FIRST and Third sundays of each month from 6.30pm. Read more.
Journeys are always a difficult thing. Where do we start from and certainly where are we going to end up. The secular world consider death to be the end of the journey. Birth the start, some fun in the middle and then an end. As Christians our birth is certainly the start. Death though isn’t the end, just a waypoint on our travel to Gods house, or Heaven.
It’s the middle bit of course that makes the journey interesting and different. I don’t think that my journey is hugely different to many others and certainly it isn’t always a smooth journey made of easy steps with no problems or doubts along the way.
As this evenings Gospel reading [Matthew 14: 22-33] shows, Jesus will support our walking on the journey, no matter what we walk on. For Jesus walking on water was no great achievement, however it was a lesson. We can achieve anything with faith, though when we lose our faith or doubt we sink. As Peter started out quite confidently but his journey wasn’t as simple as he wanted. When he doubted, Jesus extended his hand and caught him.
As I have walked on my journey its been interesting. A tricky start with being fostered with my twin brother Mark from a few months old to being adopted at 4 by the same family. We were lucky in many ways because we were adopted together and not split apart to meet up years later to find out we each had twin brothers. My parents worshipped at a Methodist church in Colchester called Castle Methodist Church. Situated within the view of Colchester Castle. A beautiful example of Roman and Norman engineering. Growing up in Colchester I attended Boys Brigade and quite enjoyed it, with Sunday Church Parades etc and then joining the band. It would be fair to say that whilst we didn’t live hugely in luxury I didn’t want for much. I was always clothed well and fed well. Very few takeaways or sugary foods which is probably why I still have this fantastic body of mine today.
This seems the start of such a nice life after the tricky bit of adoption. However things didn’t always go smooth. As is quite common in adopted families, there are differences and this caused some friction. For me it felt like not truly belonging. Yeah there was love there, but I knew it just wasn’t the same as my adopted siblings had. My parents engaged in the help of family psychologists to help sort this. Which in some ways they did, however in many ways they did not help.
This discord ultimately ended up in estrangement and I on the 16th June 1996 at 18:30 in the evening was in a bedsit of my own just up the road, I was only 16 at the time. My birthday being 5 days previous on the 11th June. This certainly wasn’t my parents fault or mine, it was a group fault. I fully accept my part to play. This gave way to some issues, however I still attended church and met my Dad for lunch every Wednesday in the town centre. This went on for a few years. I met a beautiful girl called Caroline. She was lovely, we had so so many happy years together. Eventually we both thought we were the one for each other. Now I had in my past experimented with lads of my own age but these things were put down to a phase. Lads experimented and eventually grew up and started a family etc. We nearly did have a child but Caroline had a miscarriage and didn’t carry to term. After some years together, Caroline developed Multiple Sclerosis. Now I had been having some issues with my sexuality and trying to quantify it. There certainly was no support for me at the time. The church was unable to assist. Equality through sexuality certainly hadn’t happened. Terms like “Gay Bashing” etc were rife and really hard to report. You certainly couldn’t as I have done recently call the police and report hate crime.
However because of Caroline’s recent diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis meant that I had to put my life on hold for her. When I finally was able to come out knowing that she would be ok I did. Her father who hated the fact we were together was equally unhappy that we then weren’t. Caroline took it hard, I guess she knew there was nothing she could do to change the situation and that was that! Her father took great joy in making sure my parents knew before I had time to talk to them.
My parents were certainly not happy, they asked that as long as I kept such things away from them they would learn to live with it. I guess today we would call that conditional love. About a year later my dad was going to watch Ipswich Town FC play at home in Ipswich and suggested we meet there. My boyfriend at the time wanted to go Christmas shopping and it all clashed. So I arranged to meet my Dad and my BF was going to eat in a separate part of the pub and then after my dad had gone we would go shopping. As I cam back from the toilet I detoured to tell my boyfriend we were nearly finished and thanked him for his patience and understanding. My dad asked who that was that I was talking to, so I honestly said it was my boyfriend but he wasn’t going to come over, just we were going shopping etc…. Well that was the end of family life. Communication was cut off and I was no longer welcome. How did I react? Well you know I sunk, just like peter I sunk. Unlike Peter however I stayed sunk for a long time.
Until I found my faith again on a campsite which was bitterly cold. I was there with two friends. A Christian and an atheist. We couldn’t light the stove in the morning to make a warm drink. We had a discussion about faith and about where I was with mine. It was suggested by the Christian that I should pray. Now I’m sure its going to be a complete shock, however I’m not the most proper of Christians, not good with thee’s and thou’s etc. The atheist suggest I should just have a chat. This turned out to be sound advice. So I did just that and had a chat. However I like things to be proved and easy to believe. So I committed a big no no – I asked for proof. I said to God: if you can ensure we can light the stove in the morning you can have me for ever for whatever you need. Well as I have learned since, God listens and knows what He wants. Certainly the next morning we lit the stove and make hot drinks with no hassle. Now I’m no good in the morning til I have had a cup of tea and a couple of cigarettes. It wasn’t until about 11:30 in the morning when I was suddenly hit with the harsh reality and I only had one word to sum this up. “Shit” !!!
See whilst unlike Peter who had reached out instantly – I took quite a few years. However there He was with his hand out waiting for me to reach up and grab it.
So where does this leave me and the parents. I looked them up, found their address. I wrote them a lovely long letter but didn’t ever send it. I didn’t have the nerve to do so. Certainly didn’t want to go through more rejection. Haven’t spoken now for over 20 years. It is possible that they are now with God and its going to wait until its my time to be in His house before reconciliation happens.
Many would say as a Christian I should forgive them. As a human I can’t. However I often offer this up to God as something I can’t handle. God knows we aren’t perfect.
So my faith journey as many will know has come quite the way with becoming an ordained Priest within a Liberal Catholic Church and of course now getting the opportunity to preach in the churches of the St Luke’s Parish. I certainly didn’t imagine that was where I was going to go but it is where I am.
I firmly believe I have been lifted above the waves and back into the boat with you all. To be able to be the person I am and to be a proud friend and member of this community. So whilst this story has sounded difficult at times. The rocky paths and the smooth paths have shaped me to be who I am. Even though there were times I didn’t want to admit it, I haven’t walked alone.
I love where I am now in life. I love you all, a beautiful colourful community full of diverse and unique individuals who make up the many joys of our world.